i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
