8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
