I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
