i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
