Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
