All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
