apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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