If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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