I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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