Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
