Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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