I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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