I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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