My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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