i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
