Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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