If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
