Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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