I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
