How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Randomize
