I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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