You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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