Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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