thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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