Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
