toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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