So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
