so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize