I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
