In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize