I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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