Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i think my cat just said my name.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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