i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You ruined the universe
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
