you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
