The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
