Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
