I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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