I accidentally had phone sex last night
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
