I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
