i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
