chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Semen is not good for contacts.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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