Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
