I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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