i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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