There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
