the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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