man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
