So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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