Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
