he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Too much gin, very little bucket
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
