i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
