I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
