one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
