He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
