we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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