its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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