I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
