I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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